How to be a Problematic Author

Good day class and welcome to Authors Behaving Badly 102. Today we’re going to teach you the finer points of being a problematic author and maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up looking like a bad person as well.

Fingers crossed!

First things first. I’m not going to go in depth into racism, sexism, ableism, hatred towards the LGBTQIA community etc. That should have been covered in 101, which I presume you’ve all taken. But for those who need a refresher:

• You can use microaggressions in your text or dialogue if you want to be subtle OR blatantly make a social post about a marginalized group. Either one is acceptable if you really want to alienate your audience and lose readership.
• An out is the “Mea Culpa” response. You can blame it on things like “you were in a bad space” or “gee I just didn’t know” or “I guess I have some learning to do.”
• Denying everything is acceptable. Just make sure your audience doesn’t trust their own eyes and ears. At all.
• NEVER mention privilege. It’s always been rough on you – even when it hasn’t, it HAS. See bullet above.

Now let’s move on to reviews. Let’s say you receive a review on your novel that goes a little something like this.

I know, I know – TWO STARS? How dare they? You spent literally minutes of your life writing this novel! So how do we, as a problematic author, deal with the situation?

Here’s are a few ways to respond to the review. And yes, you NEED to respond to the review. How else would the reviewer know that their personal opinion is totally wrong?

Say things like:

• How many books have YOU written hot-shot?
• I went through all your Goodreads reviews and noticed you gave low ratings to all the egg and chicken themed books so maybe YOU’RE the problem, Karen.
• Dox dox doxity dox dox dox. Dox.
• Hey author friends, I got a bad review today. Want to talk loudly on Twitter on how we wish to do the reviewer harm? If they’re another author, we can one-star all their stuff and if they’re not we can just drive them off the internet forever.

These are just a few. You can be creative and show up at their house etc. Just remember, your ego is far more important than their well-being or personal safety.

Finally, let’s move on to the content itself. Look in your syllabus under Sensitivity is for the Weak. Let’s say you’re writing something that someone of a certain race, gender, sexual identity etc. may find offensive as it doesn’t truly represent them.

Tough cookies.

It’s ART! And suffering is art. As long as you don’t suffer, dear author – because you’re the only one that matters. Your audience is not the victim, here. They knew what they were getting into. They bought the ticket. It’s your ride. Sensitivity readers will only make sure that you handle delicate situations with the proper respect they deserve. And who needs that?

This covers the basics. In Authors Behaving Badly 103, you can look forward to topics such as Gaming the System, Breaking Promises to your Readers, and the popular Everyone Else is Jealous of Me.

Until then, stay willfully and stubbornly ignorant. Happy problematic writing!