Hallmark Horrors
I hate Hallmark movies.
Full disclosure: As a horror geek, I am not the target demographic for a cutesy Christmas movie. I have friends that love them and I respect that, because tropes can be enjoyable. I myself am a sucker for the trope of people trapped in a house fighting supernatural beings or strangers brought together under mysterious circumstances via an invitation. So no, I’m not above comfort films. It’s just that mine usually involve creepy weirdness or some light disemboweling.
That being said, I think there is one thing that would make me actually watch a Hallmark movie – MONSTERS.
Hear me out. Apart from the fact that monsters make everything better, I think this would work. Keep the warm, heartfelt tropes that you’ve come to expect from Hallmark movies but just add a splash of terror.
To get the ball rolling, I’ve created a list of proposed titles and plots for my Hallmark Horrors. Call me Hallmark! I can work with you on this:
A Christmas Vampire Prince in New England: She’s a small-town florist who just got dumped by her jerk boyfriend. He’s the handsome count whose three wives just left him for a real estate agent. There’s just one problem – she’s anemic. Can these two lonely souls get together over blood pudding?
Cross-Stitch My Heart: A lonely seamstress meets the perfect guy. Frankenstein’s monster has her heart – but somebody’s else’s arms and legs. However, through a series of montages with quirky music, she finally teaches him what it really means to be alive…alive…ALIVE!!!
Pinning Down the Holidays: She’s the cute, plucky chef who just opened a new Tapas restaurant called Cenobites. He’s the guy who just came into town from a portal to hell. But will his love tear her soul apart?
A Yuletide Eulogy: A precocious little girl puts her Mom’s profile on a Secret Santa website. A lonely stockbroker stumbles across it and soon he and the Mom are exchanging gifts and cute texts back and forth. It all seems to be heading towards a blossoming romance. Unfortunately, Mom died 5 years before.
Preying for a Miracle: She’s a pacifist vegan who came to the jungle to save endangered animals. He’s a trophy hunter with a large collection of human skulls and spines. Their relationship starts out a little rocky, but soon, she can see right through him.
Wild Hearts and Hairy Palms: He’s a big, burly lumberjack in the wilds of Wyoming. She’s an exiled princess from who came to a rural farmland to get away from the the vaguely-threatening-but-not-in-a-really-scary-violent-way revolution in her home of Countrywemadeupistan. But will this spoiled heiress be bitten or smitten?
And why is he a lumberjack? Because he’s a Timber Wolf. Okay I hate myself now.
That’s my list and I can even help with casting. Like for each one you can use that actress you knew what from that sitcom 10 years ago and that vaguely good-looking guy who looks like every other vaguely good-looking guy. Again, call me Hallmark!
They won’t call.