Learn to Submit the Wrong Way!

Hey you! Are you looking to take a step backwards? Do you have a crippling fear of success? Does the thought of never getting published appeal to you?

Great! All you need to do is follow these simple steps and you too can become the unsuccessful writer your haters and archenemies already think you are. It’s easy!

Guidelines are for wusses. Yeah sure you could follow the rules but why? You are unique™. They want it in Shunn’s format, double-spaced with proper titling? Nah, you submit that shit in comic sans with no visible paragraphs and 12-inch borders. Make it your own. Bonus points if you submit it via a link because if there’s one thing editors love, it’s downloading stuff from an unknown source from someone they don’t know. Trust me.

Word count, smord count. 7000 word limit? I don’t think so. Not when you can send them your 100,000 word epic bondage/erotica novel about an elf and a fairy finding love despite their differences and against the wishes of their warring parents in the enchanted forest. Here’s a hint though, only send them most of the novel. Don’t give away the ending. Once they get started, they’ll be hooked and you always want to leave them wanting more.

Hard sells mean sell hard. Some of the markets include a list of hard sells such as zombies, vampires, and paranormal romances between the two. They also might list subjects to avoid such as rape, violence or far-leaning political stories. Disregard these. If you have a story about how Zombie Bill Clinton battled Vampire George Bush until they gave into the passion and became lovers but then it all ended in domestic abuse, why, surely the slush readers will let that one slide. It’s ART!

Reading is for losers. You are not some ordinary word nerd, you are an ALPHABET JOCK. Actually bothering to read the market you’re submitting to will only take up precious time – time you could be using to pump some serious literary iron, bro. Hike up the wedgie on all those places who only want certain types of stories in something called “genre”. That’s a ritzy word that means nothing. Splatter your submissions everywhere – and let God sort them out.

No means maybe. No means many things in the writing business but it never means no. If someone dares to send you a rejection letter, here’s what you need to do:

• Tell off the editor. They are big stupid meany dumb heads who are far too immature to appreciate good literature. Write an email (or several) letting them know of this fact.

• Better yet, say it on social media, but be sure to tag their accounts. If you harass them enough, they might finally realize you exist and your great thirst for relevance will finally be quenched.

• Change a word or two and re-send the story. Those two words will make all the difference. They’ll love it now.

Oh and if it’s a form rejection, be sure to bother them for feedback. After all, don’t you deserve an explanation? Of course, they’re wrong but like teacher says, they need to show their work.

Do all of the above, and I guarantee you’ll be able to live a private, publish-free existence unencumbered by the extravagant trappings of the glitzy, writer lifestyle. And who doesn’t want that?

Trust me.